The past several years have been a stream of difficulties.
I’m not exaggerating, nor am I sympathy seeking.
It wasn’t until yesterday while I was listening to the sermon at church that God did a bit of a flashback showing me it all. Not so I’d feel sorry for myself. But because I can be hard on me.
I know I’ve not handled it all well. I have this “idea” of how I “think I should” handle each difficulty as it comes my way. As super-saint! But as I began to doubt that I live my faith well, He stepped in to remind me that I was trusting Him. My faith was real and present and strong. But so is the battle. And it has been pretty constant for a pretty long while. My arms had grown heavy in holding up the sword and shield.
What I was experiencing was battle fatigue.
This is when I have a tendency to question His thoughts of me… towards me. I honestly don’t get mad at God often. I know some do. And if that’s you, I hope you know He’s big enough to take it. He knows our heart in the midst of the expression of anger. There are times I get angry, but I mostly just feel alone. Distant from Him. Am I an afterthought? Does He really care about me and my difficulty? This present disappointment? This sad, hard thing?
I know in my mind He does. I understand Covenant and the tie that binds us together. But reality screams, “You are not valued. You are not worth saving!” Not reality so much as years of the enemy throwing doubt across my mind.
My pastor touched on it so perfectly for me yesterday as he covered Luke 4, when Jesus was tempted by Satan. The greatest temptation for Jesus that day was not turning the stone to bread or whether or not to accept the keys to the world from Satan. It was his opening line. “If you are the Son of God…”
Oh my! I’ve heard those lines in my own head! “If you are beloved of God…”
Within the circumstance and the lies – I question my identity.
I am not weak of faith! I am not failing to trust! I am not falling short! I have not stopped seeking His face! I am in a war and my enemy is pelting me with doubt at the core of my being. If I am not who He says I am, then who am I?
There is so much more for me to think and process with this. For now, just let me share with you a worship song I’ve clung to over the past couple weeks. And wouldn’t you know it, this song was part of the playset during our worship service yesterday. Of course it was. He’s like that you know.
Deeply personal. Deeply compassionate. Deeply devoted to me and you.
Wherever you are today, I pray it ministers to you… I pray it is well with you…